All Chuck Norris Jokes

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Chuck Norris shaves with a hunting knife. "Shaving" consists of cutting a new mouth-hole every morning. That's how tough his beard is.
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Chuck Norris stem cells can reproduce missing limbs
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An ancient Chinese prophecy states that a man will be created to protect the lands from all evil. Chuck Norris killed that man.
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Chuck Norris NEVER tries, he just does!
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Chuck Norris was walking in his neighborhood and kicked a bottle at the side of the road which hit Jstin Bieber
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Allstate gets insurance from Chuck Norris, because even Allstate needs to be in good hands.
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Thousands of years ago Chuck Norris came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its decendents now have white hair.
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If you ever see Chuck Norris you will never want to turn the other cheek because Chuck Norris will be right there when you turn it
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The only being that can stop Chuck Norris is himself
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Smoking doesn't kill people, Chuck Norris kills people.
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The only reason that the world turns is because Chuck Norris goes for a jog every morning and forces the world backwards.
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When people say Chuck Norris is a barrel of laughs, they mean he enjoys shooting at you.
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Once, a man said "Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me" to Chuck Norris. He then beat the man with the words he said
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Chuck Norris eats burnt marshmallows while they're still on fire.
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When Judge Dredd said he was the law, he obviously never met Chuck Norris. Now he's Judge Dead.
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Chuck Norris can play Xbox Live on a Sega Genesis
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Chuck Norris is the change Obama really believes in
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Chuck Norris can shoot a ghost with a regular gun
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If Chuck Norris goes to the bank to get money, all banks go on a world crisis. It happened on 2008.
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If someone tries to attack Chuck Norris from behind, the Chuck Norris sense will tingle, then Chuck will kill his attacker instantly.
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We are living in a great age, the age of Chuck Norris
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Chuck Norris has heard the actual voice of Charlie Brown's teacher...
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Chuck Norris: After filming Delta Force, the Soviet Union quit and crime decreased by 897,543%. He was also named New World Leader
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Chuck Norris corrects spell check
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Unknown to most people, humans did make it to outer space before Yuri Gagarin. Chuck Norris' enemies prior to 1961.
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Chuck Norris found the needle in the haystack. And Roundhouse Kicked it.
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Chuck Norris doesn't need photos, he takes mental pictures
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The song "What if God was one of us" was Chuck's way of trying to tell us something
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Chuck Norris ran the LeMans 24 hours and won 1st place in all groups with one car.... in 12 hours.
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Chuck Norris doesn't drink pink lemonade. But if he did, it would turn yellow out of fear.
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Chuck Norris can lose what he never had
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If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.
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Chuck Norris once toboggoned down Mount Everest and then sprinted back up cuz he realized he lost his mitten
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Chuck Norris Actually Existed Before! That's Why Ancient Romans Used Shields, Cuz Chuck Gave Them A Piece Of His Roundhouse Kick!
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Chuck Norris would risk it for a chocolate biscuit
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Tom Bodett leaves the light on at motel 6 out of fear of Chuck Norris
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When Chuck Norris goes to Vegas, he doesn't have to gamble. The casinos just give him stacks of money.
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Some shoot first and ask questions later Chuck Norris never asks questions
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Screw Scott Pilgrim. Chuck Norris fought against the world and won.
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Never say it's impossible.... Chuck Norris can do anything
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Jack can be nimble, and Jack can be quick, but Jack can't dodge Chuck Norris's roundhouse kick.
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50Cent survived 9 gunshots, but he wouldn't survive even half a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris.
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Rosa Parks didnt want to get out of her seat because she was saving it for Chuck Norris
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Chuck Norris can fold back a road map first time!
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Chuck Norris can kill a vampire by showing him a picture of the sun.
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Chuck Norris knows what Willis is talkin' bout
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Chuck Norris holds the patent for fear.
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The United States never dropped the atomic weapons on Japan, Chuck Norris just jumped off the airplane and roundhouse kicked every building
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Chuck Norris has brought a person back to life with a roundhouse to the face, then promptly killed them again with another roundhouse kick to the face
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Chuck Norris personaly ordered that this fact is the first one in the "TOP 50 FACTS" section.
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Whenever Chuck Norris mispells or mistypes a word, it becomes a new one.
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Chuck Norris can tell u what a lethal injection feels like
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Professor Charles Xavier could read Chuck Norris' mind. But, I bet you he won't!
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Chuck Norris invented double rainbows: he roundhouse kicked a normal one in half.
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Chuck Norris tried to do building controls once, but got bored as all he had to do was tell the building what to do and it listened.
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Chuck Norris' black belt has a buckle.
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chuck norris only jumped once because he decided one grand canyon was enough
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Texas used to be called East Virginia, but then Chuck Norris moved there, and they had to change the name.
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Two men walk into a bar. One of the men turns to the bartender and says "Chuck Norris". Bartender kicks the first man. Second man grows a beard.
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The sun only rises every morning because Chuck Norris allow it to.
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Scientists are finding new creatures more often but not due of evolution, it's because of Chuck Norris kicking them so hard that their bodies change!
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In Desert Storm the reason why the Iraqi army surrendered so quickly because they knew Chuck Norris was coming.
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When Chuck Norris says 'Candlejack' nothing happens
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Chuck Norris is the only man alive who knows when Brett Favre will retire
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Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
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Chuck Norris was worshipped as a god by the Eskimos. That is why they had igloos modeled after his signature move.
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chuck norris taxes the IRS
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60 million years ago, Chuck Norris was looked at wrong. He then proceeded to roundhouse kick the earth, causing mass extinction.
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Chuck Norris made Joey Jordison as his own drums.
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Chuck Norris doesn't need oxygen tanks when scuba diving. He simply sucks all the life out of the ocean to breath.
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Chuck Norris doesn't have teeth. His mouth is actually full of smaller Chuck Norris' capable of biting through several parking meters...
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Chuck Norris was in all 6 Star Wars movies............... As The Force.
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humpty dumpty fell off the wall no humpty dumpty got round house kicked off the wall by chuck norris
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Chuck Norris doesn't hate anyone. They're already dead.
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Chuck Norris' black belt has a buckle.
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Chuck Norris invented double rainbows: he roundhouse kicked a normal one in half.
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Spiderman once insulted Chuck Norris to his face. Something about horses. Chuck poured over him like a bucket of wet manslaughter.
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A doctor once said that breaking your femur bone is the most painful experience. That was right before he was kicked by Chuck Norris.
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Chuck Norris can't fly because everytime he catches a flight, he can't help killing it.
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The only reason there are only five original Rocky movies is because Chuck Norris was the only guy left who wanted to fight Rocky in the sixth movie.
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Chuck Norris was born with his beard.
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Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a man into next week...in fact, I believe he's due back tomorrow.
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Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because the only element Chuck Norris recognizes is the element of suprise
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Chuck Norris can eat with his mouth closed the whole time.
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Chuck Norris can pay his restaurant bill by simply drawing a dollar sign on his receipt.
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When Chuck Norris gets depressed it starts raining.
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Forest Gump didn't run for Forest, he ran for Chuck Norris.
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Chuck Norris can make a building bigger than the Empire State Building, with only dirt, dung and saliva.
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Chuck Norris doesn't dot his i's. They dot themselves for fear of the dots being created via roundhouse kick
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If you have a dollar and Chuck Norris has a dollar , then Chuck Norris has two dollars and you have no money!!
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Chuck Norris invented a pencil for left handed people.
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Chuck Norris talks about Fight Club
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Chuck Norris is a lover and a fighter... too bad for us, they mean the same thing to him.
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Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because the only element Chuck Norris recognizes is the element of suprise
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Chuck Norris does know what Willis is talking about!
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Chuck Norris can answer rhetorical questions...with his fist.
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Chuck Norris swung a sword in the air and missed.
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And God created light, and he thought it was good. Chuck thought it was Ok.
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If a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick hits you, you will die, If he misses, the wind from the kick gives you pneumonia, you will die. Don't tease Norris!
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Chuck Norris likes to throw stones; we now have the Milky Way Galaxy.
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Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris is too strong to lose in The Weakest Link.
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Chuck Norris once played Duck Duck Goose with a group of Kindergarteners. Only one kid made it to first grade
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The Grimm Reaper lost his job the day Chuck Norris was born.
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The atomic bomb that went off in Japan in 1945 was actually empty. Chuck norris just happened to touched it and it went off.
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Chuck Norris does not live on borrowed time he just takes it when he pleases
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Chuck Norris doesn't feed with bullets, that's idiotic. Bullets are jus snacks.
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Chuck Norris doesn't throw a baseball, it just leaves his hand cowering in fear.
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The reason Chuck Norris has never been a doctor on House is because, he would find the diagnosis in one second. It'd always be Norris Anger Disease.
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Chuck Norris was bitten by a werewolf. When full moon came, the werewolf turned into Chuck Norris.
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Chuck Norris actually broke some bones of the Grimm Reaper
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Most people hope for presents from Santa every year. Santa hopes for presents from Chuck Norris.
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Chuck Norris can drown a fish
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Chuck Norris once turned on the light, the rest is history
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Chuck Norris does indeed know pain. He invented it.
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When Chuck Norris was created, he destroyed his own mold.
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Before sliced bread, people used to say "That's the greatest thing since Chuck Norris".
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But Chuck Norris was displeased by this. So he roundhouse kicked a loaf of bread into slices.



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Chuck Norris plays Basketball with a lead ball, with one goal on top of the Burj Dubai and the other on Mt. Everest.
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Chuck Norris doesn't get laid. He lays people on the ground.
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Chuck Norris' doors stay open 24/7 because their to scared to close
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Chuck Norris does not have tattoos, he puts the real thing on his skin
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There is a light at the end of every tunnel...just pray it's not Chuck Norris
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"Only you can prevent forest fires" was really a plea to Chuck Norris, because Chuck Norris loves scaring Smokey the Bear out of his home.
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Everytime Chuck Norris enters the sea, the water gets frightened away as a tsunami.
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Chuck Norris can count the number of corners in a circle.
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Chuck Norris can make a double penetration alone
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How much wood could a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could Chuck Norris? All of it
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Chuck Norris knows everything there is to know - Except for the definition of mercy.
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At age 5, Chuck Norris' mother gave him a toy shovel. He gave the world The Grand Canyon.
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Why did the chicken cross the road? Because Chuck Norris round house kicked him to the other side.
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Fort Knox is known as one of the most secure places on Earth. Chuck Norris calls it a walk in the park.
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Chuck Norris once got bit by a rattle snake........ After three days of pain and agony ..................the rattle snake died
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If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
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Chuck Norris destroyed all life in a place called Happy Valley. We know it today as Death Valley.
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The original title for Star Wars was "Skywalker: Texas Ranger". Starring Chuck Norris.
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Chuck Norris has more testosterone than Lady Gaga.
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Chuck Norris could win both the Miss Universe pageant and Mr. World contest instantly.
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In Soviet Russia, Chuck roundhouse-kicks you anyway.
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Deaf people can hear Chuck Norris
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The German V2 rocket was able to hit USA. One was fired at Chuck Norris. After he roundhouse kicks her back to Germany the experimenta was canceled.
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Chuck Norris has 3 knees on each leg.
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If Chuck Norris was in Lord of the Rings, he wouldn't need to take it to Mount Doom, he would destroy it with one roundhouse kick
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BIGFOOT is not a folklore tale, it's actually an imprint left on your face after a Chuck Norris round house kick!
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